Sure, It's All About Me!

She Who Shall Not Be Named.

OK so my super-secret-identity remains super-secret and if I told you I'd have to dig your eyes out with a plastic spoon and reach in to pull out your brains...but OK, I trust you.

Hi, my name's Tiffany. But let's just keep that between you and me, 'kay? I prefer to be called Her Highness on Saturdays, Goddess Divine from Monday to Friday, and lazy on Sundays.

Now that we've got that established...

Here's the 411:
I'm a Photographer, Dog Trainer, Dog Groomer, Shepherd, Middle Child, Accountant and Aspiring International Jewel Thief. My hair is naturally curly, I'm short, I have hazel eyes and I used to be built like a brick shithouse. Until the brick shit all over me to the tune of about 60 pounds. I have 20 pounds left to lose to be back at the top end of my healthy weight, but I'll never have my perky boobs back.

I have one aspiration in life: to be a Mom. I've obsessed about Mommyhood since I was 10. I'm now 30-something, single and determined that if I don't find Twoo Wuv by the time I'm 32, I will knock myself up and I've found my Mr. Right. We've decided to start trying to make babies very soon. That sentence totally came with a band and streamers and Thor and I doing fist-pumps with him in nothing but those black jeans in my head. Yours too, eh?
**Update: as of about mid-May (2013), we are KNOCKED UP!!!**

Random Spanxster Facts

I'm 30. 32. 33.
I'm Canadian.
I'm female.
I've had Type 1 Diabetes for almost 24 years. 
I cannot stand it when food items on my plate encroach upon the real estate of neighbouring food items.
I also have a healthy aversion to feet. No, your feet are not cute - feet are ugly and icky. All Feet.
Therefore, do not ever, ever, EVER. Touch me with your feet.
[Unless maybe you're a super smoking hawt Italian man with the Idiot Stick of a God]
[Which you're not. Because if you were, I'd have chained you to my bed already]
I am a dog trainer.
And a shepherd. As in, my Border Collie and I herd sheep. For real. There may be a video on Youtube, I don't know how these sort of things happen...
I'm also a groomer.
And I'm an expert in canine/feline nutrition.
[Yes, if you have questions you are welcome to email me! But if you want to argue about the merits of grocery/pet store/vet pet foods (unhealthy - seriously, you're delusional if you think that Vet Schools and clinics don't get kickbacks from these disgusting companies for selling-slash-promoting their hugely unhealthy food!) go stand on someone else's soapbox and preach your fallacies. I'm right. Get over it.]
I'm always right. It's a universally known fact.
Except when I'm wrong. But I'm only ever wrong about cars. And men.
Which is why I love my mechanic.
Platonically, of course.
I just rolled over my scarf with my office chair.
I am anal about my teeth. When I was in high school my dentist got mad at me for brushing TOO MUCH.
I am photographically-obsessed.
[I also like to make words up]
I like gum.
I work two jobs.
One's a career, the other is my saving-for-mortgage-and-babies fund.
I plan to knock myself up.
I'm a speed-reader and when I was younger my Mom had to help me learn how to read slower.
I'm a redhead...and yes, I have the temper to match.
My feet are freakishly small. What a Hobbit would walk on if he wasn't a Hobbit.
(Sans hair)
I suspect that's why I'm so klutzy.
Oh, and I hate shaving.
I've had my poetry published in a very obscure national poetry book.
I am Jane Austen's No. 1 Fan!
When I was 11 I won a bright yellow wrist watch. I felt like I cheated; the teacher asked us to guess a number and I watched as she wrote it and knew by the movements of the pen that it was '17'.
I still have that watch.
Every once in a while I like to have a cigar with a big glass of wine.
[Don't tell my Mom]
To this day my Mom mothers me. She claims parental right, no matter how old I get.
I agree with her.